【Painful Man And Woman】

I've been really bored during my pandemic-induced isolation. That's not breaking any real ground.

A lot of us have Painful Man And Womanbeen bored, stowed away in our homes, effectively barred from so many of the things that compose a normal life: Going to work, seeing friends, going to restaurants, seeing a movie, playing pick-up basketball, grabbing a drink, riding the train.

But what a luxury it is to be bored. How lucky I've been to feel boredom and, thus far, no coronavirus symptoms. What privilege: to be able to work from home and limit my interactions with the world.

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But still, I've been bored.

I'm quarantining with my fiancée and her mom in a house with lots of projects that need doing. I work at least eight hours per day. But I am a high (like HIGH high) energy person and I need things to do. So I've had to, um, let's say, get creative to ease the boredom. I'm sure I'm not alone in that. So, in the interest of sharing, here's an exhaustive list of shit I've done to pass the time, in no particular order.

1. Shot a balloon over and over into a laundry hamper while yelling out "LEBRON!" (I am 28 years old.)

2. Made a game out of Balloon Basketball, demarcating the free-thrown and three-point arc on the rug.

3. Named the two geese who frequent our backyard. (Howard and Elaine.)

Good old H&E. Credit: Tim Marcin / Mashable

4. Literally ran circles around a coffee table.

5. Obsessively tracked the purported efficacy of various COVID-19 treatments. (That's a fun one.)

6. Drilled one of those small mailboxes into the front of the house.

7. Dug a two-foot hole, weighted a pole down with bricks, then installed a full-sized mailbox at the edge of the driveway after the postmaster informed me the small mailbox wouldn't suffice.

She's a beaut. Credit: Tim Marcin / Mashable

8. Dug up the mailbox, filled some of the hole with dirt, then re-installed the mailbox after the postmaster informed me my initial installation wasn't up to code.

9. Buzzed my hair.

Before. Credit: Tim Marcin / Mashable After. Credit: Tim Marcin / Mashable

10. Ran an entire fucking half-marathon in the backyard. Really. I don't recommend it.

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11. Took a nap.

12. Took a different nap then woke up out of that nap convinced I had just dreamed the plot to a killer Sci-Fi novel.

13. Wrote down that novel idea in the Notes app then convinced myself it was actually not any good because who wants to be the guy ~writing a SciFi novel~.

I've embarrassed myself enough here without *actually* sharing my crappy ideas. Credit: Tim Marcin / Mashable

14. Tossed things at the trashcan like a basketball. (I like basketball, OK?)

15. Decided what tattoo I would get once this whole thing is over. I don't have any tattoos and never really wanted one, you know, before all this.

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16. Considered buying a guitar even though I own a guitar already — I'm isolating away from my apartment — and I can't really play it.

17. Ultimately decided not to buy another guitar that I won't learn how to play.

18. Tweeted far too much.

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19. Purchased a Champion sweatsuit that absolutely rules.

The hoodie. Credit: Amazon / Champion The pants. Credit: Amazon / Champion

20. Listened to the new Fiona Apple album. Then listened to it again. Then listened to it again.

21. Put together a desk.

22. Watched countless depressing news conferences.

23. Painted two large rooms that were blue until they were white. This took six hours and many coats of paint.

24. Rehabbed older furniture in three different rooms with various colors of chalk paint. This took many days.

25. Took down a comically complicated blind system from a large window. The screws were stripped and I cursed a lot. This took at least an hour.

26. Watched two seasons (and counting) of Schitt's Creek.

27. Cut the sleeves off a t-shirt, thinking I could craft a makeshift face cover. It didn't work. I then wore a sleeve as a headband.

I can't believe this is going on the internet. Credit: Tim Marcin / Mashable

28. Did YouTube workout videos.

29. Snacked. Snacked and snacked. Snacking included eating a bowl of shredded cheese with a spoon, munching a half-potato with my hands, drinking homemade chicken stock.

30. Started making random mouth noises to break the silence.

31. Began obsessing over bird behavior outside my window. Why is that group of three speeding so close the window, flying parallel to the pane like feathered fighter jets? Are they mating? Fighting? Goofing around? Birds and their secrets!

32. Did a metric shitton of laundry and dishes.

33. Cooked more meals than I remember.

Gaze upon smoked pork. Credit: Tim marcin / Mashable

34. Tried to make homemade pizzas and realized I accidentally bought gluten-free flour. Pivoted to far less tasty gluten-free flatbreads.

35. Wondered, from time to time, if things will return to normal? If that's possible? What does life look like in a week, a month, six months, a year?

36. Fled the above thought before I fell completely beneath its current.

37. Listened to the new Soccer Mommy album. Then listened to it again. Then listened to it again.

38. Obsessively picked at a pimple on my right temple until it scabbed over.

39. Picked at the scab where a pimple once was.

40. Jogged.

41. Freestyle remixed the lyrics to the 1963 song "My Boyfriend's Back." (Unrelated: Did you ever notice this song is basically about a forthcoming assault? A wholesome-sounding ditty about a boyfriend who's gonna kick some ass. Wild.)

42. Drummed on every conceivable surface with my fingertips and knuckles.

43. Slid across wood floors like a speedskater.

44. Gazed out at the water—the house backs up against a bay—as the sun set. Felt a moment of peace as light bounced off the ripples, a gradient of orange and pink and fading blue. Noticed the flickers of light on the opposite side of the water. Houses in a small town. Thought of the people in those homes, looking back at me. I'll never know them, nor them me. Yet there we were.

sunset Credit: Tim marcin / Mashable.

45. Mimicked the sound a seagull makes. I am very good at this.