【Watch Bikini Pirates (2006)】

3D movies suck for me.

As a glasses-wearer whose best attempt at contact lenses was almost an episode of ER (still out here with ERreferences!),Watch Bikini Pirates (2006) I've got to pop those wraparound bad boys overmy own frames. It's not subtle. Notting Hill-era Hugh Grant looks better wearing his prescription scuba goggles in a cinema than I do at a 3D film. And beyond my own ludicrous vanity in the dark, it's often for little gain, with the 3D element often feeling like a very expensive theme park gimmick, a strangely persistent hangover from the format's '80s high. But one film worth the ticket price and facial indents in 3D? Disney's live-action remake of The Little Mermaid.

In its 2D form, director Rob Marshall's version of Disney's 1989 animated classic has been critically described as visually flat, fathoms below the aesthetic magic of the original film. "Why Disney is tending toward gray live-action adaptations, I truly can't guess," Mashable's Kristy Puchko writes in her review. "Some scenes in this film — like Peter Pan and Wendy— are so dim it looks like you're watching them through a dirty car window. But Marshall, who at his most dazzling gave us Chicago, does create some moments of cinematic underwater splendor."

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SEE ALSO: How to watch 'The Little Mermaid' live-action remake at home

3D is hotter under the water.

SEE ALSO: 'The Little Mermaid' review: Halle Bailey and Melissa McCarthy strive to recapture the magic of Ariel and Ursula

While The Little Mermaidmight not have wholly impressed critics, the film in its 3D form is every bit the hot crustacean band it should be. Every speck of plankton floating in the sea feels like you could pluck it from the air. Triton's (Javier Bardem) shimmering cape of minnows, Ursula's (Melissa McCarthy) creeping tentacles and neon-hued collar antennae, every last glorious detail of the fleetingly seen merpeople — they all look miraculous in 3D. Ariel's secret grotto becomes a wonderfully layered cavern holding gadgets and gizmos aplenty, whereas it's a somewhat murky den in 2D.

Beyond the plankton spores, one of the best reasons to splurge and see The Little Mermaidin 3D is all that glorious underwater mermaid hair. Ariel's (Halle Bailey) long vermillion locs (designed by Oscar-nominated hairstylist Camille Friend) and Triton's pearly beard and silvery tresses (courtesy of lead hair and makeup designer Peter Swords King) all combine with the CGI and visual effects to flood your space with that coveted, gravity-defying underwater hair only professional mermaids really capture IRL.

Gotta love the flowing merm perm. Credit: Disney

Some of the film's underwater musical sequences are uniquely satisfying in 3D too, with Ursula's skeletal cave taking on an unsettlingly tangible form in "Poor Unfortunate Souls." Alan Menken and Howard Ashman's Oscar-winning cornerstone song "Under the Sea" becomes a tactile kaleidoscope of Spanish dancer sea slugs, crinoids, and serpent sea stars floating about — though as Puchko points out, it's lacking in the illustrative depictions of sea creatures from the original. "There is no newt with a flute, or carp playing harp, no slug cutting a rug, or hot crustacean band. And maybe that's for the best, if Flounder is what Marshall thinks qualifies as cute."

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Unfortunately, this also means that the strangely realistic renderings of Sebastian (Daveed Diggs), Flounder (Jacob Tremblay), and Scuttle (Awkwafina) become even more lifelike in 3D — you win some, you throw some in the sea.

Dinglehopper in three dimensions, love to see it. Credit: Disney

Likewise, the sequences above the ocean's surface aren't quite as pretty as the depths in 3D, but some of the scenes are satisfying. That includes any scene on Eric's (Jonah Hauer-King) ship, especially if it involves a swift rope swing into the audience, and the market sequence as Ariel pushes her way through colourful fabrics after having had various delicious-looking fruits thrusted at her.

But sometimes a gimmick is just a gimmick.

The Little Mermaid's fantasy adventure genre lends itself to three-dimensional splendor, but it definitely won't work for every sort of film genre — like, say, Ken Loach's social dramas. But there are some that reallywork. Patrick Lussier's gruesome 2009 remake of My Bloody Valentineput the gore right in your face and made absolute bank at the box office, with 3D sales making up a colossal 71 percent of takings. Gaspar Noé shot a 3D ejaculation and various unsimulated sex acts in his controversial filmLove, though its popularity on Netflix during the early days of COVID probably had more to do with the film's content than its unique format.

Mainstream 3D these days has two major money-making genres, with or without IMAX. First, there are the family-friendly franchises — How to Train Your Dragon,The Hobbit,and Harry Potter, and so on — and Disney films, including the live-action remakes of The Lion King, Aladdin, and Mulan. Then there's the big-budget, IP-driven studio spectacles, which include Marvel and DC properties, the Star Warssequel trilogy, the Jurassic Worldfilms, James Bond films, the Transformersbrand, and Dune.

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3D cinema has enjoyed lofty peaks and deep troughs over the last decade. Tickets always cost more than regular 2D tickets, so audiences reallyhave to want to see something in 3D to pick this option. But for studios, it's great for box office business. The format enjoyed a commercial win with James Cameron's 2009 box office smash Avatar, which plunged audiences into the world of Pandora and smashed box office records. 13 years later, sequel The Way Of The Water attempted to replicate this accessorised success, as 3D sales brought in $1 billion at the global box office, making up over 60 percent of the film's takings.

Granted, I watched The Little Mermaidin optimal conditions: at Disney's El Capitan cinema in Los Angeles on a Saturday night. I dropped $22, plus popcorn and blue raspberry Icee money on it, and I was surrounded by wide-eyed kids and grown-up Little Mermenthusiasts who clapped after every major song or iconic hair flip/rock splash moment. Reader, it ruled. But it was weirdly the 3D of it all that truly won me over, despite feeling like I had an extremely shitty DIY version of Apple's new Vision Pro strapped to my face.

For a couple of hours, Ariel's literally part of your world.

The Little Mermaid is now in cinemas, in 2D and 3D.

Topics Disney Streaming