We open on Punjabi Archivesan oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. A Lumineers song is playing, but it's just instrumental. Clapping. Acoustic guitar. This is a fun place to be, if your friends are there.
Enter HOT GUY, wearing denim jacket. HOT GUY wipes his brow and cracks a GENERIC BRAND COLA as he observes the drill. The GENERIC BRAND COLA looks disgusting, and HOT GUY reacts accordingly. Suddenly, a crack. The drill pipe bursts, and HOT GUY goes flying hundreds of feet into the hair. The GENERIC BRAND COLA flies out of his hand and he flashes a smile of relief as he lands safely in the water. It is hot when he lands in the water.
Meanwhile, thousands of gallons of oil begin to spread across the ocean. THERE SHOULD BE NO PEPSI IN THIS SHOT.
Something like this but the oil rig should look fun and cool -- oil rigs should be "the new pool parties." Credit: Getty Images CUT TO: Two weeks later. A coastal community is protesting -- their signs are innocuous but it is implied that they are somewhat unhappy with the oil company. One sign reads, "There are two sides to every story" and another, "Join the conversation." EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE A PEPSI IN THEIR HAND.
There are groups of volunteers helping to remove oil from various marine life. (Maybe one of the volunteers says, "This is because of Coke. Coke did this."?? Just an idea.) Once the animals are clean and not dirty, they should be given PEPSI COLAS.
We should still be hearing The Lumineers this whole time. Never, ever stop playing The Lumineers.
HOT GUY, we see, is in the crowd of protestors. He is holding an acoustic guitar. We should still be hearing The Lumineers this whole time. Never, ever stop playing The Lumineers.
Meanwhile, KENDALL JENNER is doing a photoshoot on a dock at the edge of the town. She sees the protests and looks forlorn -- won't someone invite her to join the resistance?
*NOTE: There should be police in riot gear absolutely EVERYWHERE.
*HOT GUY and KENDALL JENNER make eye contact. A lifetime of meaningful conversation is exchanged in one glance. If that doesn't read, make sure it's clear that they are both very hot and PEPSI made them that way. HOT GUY beckons KENDALL JENNER to join him and she smiles.
As that one Lumineers song swells, we get a close-up on KENDALL JENNER pulling a wig off. It is very, very important that she has been wearing a wig this whole time and now she is not. There is a PEPSI under her wig and she takes a swig. "Now that'sgood PEPSI COLA," she says.
The protestors (all hot), now joined by KENDALL JENNER, are blocked from going further by an enormous line of police in riot gear. One of the police officers, we learn, is HOT POLICE OFFICER. Standing next to him: HOT OIL COMPANY CEO. The officers are spraying protesters with canisters labeled "SPRITE, MADE BY COCA-COLA."
KENDALL JENNER approaches HOT POLICE OFFICER and HOT CEO and gives them both a PEPSI. The three all drink PEPSI together. Everyone cheers. PEPSI solves their seemingly irreparably broken relationship.
Yeah, just use this at some point actually, this is great. Credit: mashable composite; shutterstock CUT TO: Same day. FULL CAST is cleaning up oil-soaked marine animals using PEPSI COLA. "Wow, this stuff does everything!" says HOT CEO. HOT GUY drops some PEPSI in the ocean by accident and screams. But wait! The PEPSI destroys the oil. Everyone laughs.
As we fade out of this shot, text appears across the screen:
PEPSI COLA: WE WILL FIX LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD.
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