【bartch eroticism and self kniwledge】

Hello,bartch eroticism and self kniwledge fellow Republicans. As you all know, there’s been a lot in the news recently about a certain Senate candidate.

The Libs may try to shame you into voting for their party over ours, but do NOT let them. I am here to tell you that you are still perfectly within your right to vote for Gormöth the Destroyer.

SEE ALSO: I know there's a lot on your plate this year, so don't worry about all these robots we're making

First off, let me say that I completely condemn the actions that Gormöth the Destroyer has taken in his personal life. Since he was spawned from the Gate of Milnüür during the creation of humanity, he has spent the better part of an eternity curing existence itself with evil, immorality, death, and murder on a scale only achievable by his dreadfully immortal self.

And trust me, fellow Trumpers, if I saw him perpetuate his evil behavior on one of my children, I’d kick him right in his fiery ass.

But, let me ask you, would you rather have the horrific physical manifestation of calamity in office, or a freaking Democrat? The choice is easy, if you ask me.

Also, the allegations against him are, dare I say, are weak at best. Here is one thing we know for sure and should admit from the start: since he was birthed from the Pit of Suffering, Gormöth has a history of trying to usurp the entire planet, engulfing it into an era of darkness where he rules as the malevolent King of Gloom.

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There is one ancient text written on stone by someone known simply as Issac, where he asserts that Gormöth the Destroyer took over a city in the name of “all that stands for Evil” and then proceeded the burn the city: “…From His wretched mouth, a mighty flame appear’d. And with it, Death, and Silence, as the cries o’ my countrymen ceased.” But who WAS Isaac? And was he even telling the truth? Carbon dating says the tablet is over 5,000 years old, so who’s to say that that was even wrong or illegal to do back then? Times change. Get over it.

Plus, there’s not even one witness that can corroborate this story. The tablet, for all we know, was written by a lobbyist for the Democrat in an attempt to slander Gormöth the Destroyer just because he’s a fan of TRUMP.

Gormöth the Destroyer in his human form. Does this look like such a bad guy??? Credit: mashable composite; shutterstock, getty images

But let’s assume for a second that the accusations are true. Then, from a moral perspective, Gormöth the Destroyer is guilty of murder, razing cities with his flaming mouth, and attempting to blanket the planet in darkness, so that he may rule as an Evil Overlord. If that’s true, then there’s no getting away from it: Gormöth the Destroyer is a “dirtbag.”

But what politician ISN’T these days? And why isn’t the lying media covering the Democratic opponent, who just had some photos unearthed of himself in college smoking marijuana (which is illegal)?

Our Democratic opponent supports affordable healthcare, more healthcare more women, a living wage, funding education rather than jails, and civil rights. He is just as bad if not worse than Gormöth the Destroyer, and he would only do more harm to this great nation than is already done.

Which is why it is imperative that Gormöth the Destroyer wins this election. So, Republicans who are in doubt, when it comes time to vote, will you vote for Gormöth the Destroyer in the name freedom and patriotism? Or will you vote for a Democrat? Which side of history will you be on?

Thanks for reading Mashable Humor: original comedy every day. Or most days. We'repeople, just like you, and we're trying our best.

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