【Painful Man And Woman】

The Painful Man And Womancross-section of people who are both Marvel fans and theater kids got an early Thanksgiving treat when Hawkeyepremiered on Disney+ with a glimpse of Rogers: The Musical, an in-universe Broadway show about the life of Captain America. Though the glimpse was short, Rogers: The Musicalwas a bright and thrilling musical extravaganza. It also made the Battle of New York into a chipper number called "I Can Do This All Day," which includes lyrics like "Black Widow's a knockout, who can knock you out." 

At first, it seems impossible that a Broadway audience would be interested in and/or not horrified by a musical that turned a fairly recent mass casualty event into a gently misogynistic song-and-dance number. But people have paid to see Diana: The Musicalwith few apparent qualms. Given that tone, wouldn't it be interesting to imagine how the team that wrote "I Can Do This All Day" would handle the rest of Steve Rogers's life?

Let's pierce the veil between our universe (Earth-1218) and the Marvel Cinematic Universe (Earth-199999) and read a rundown of the rest ofRogers: The Musical — as told by a musical theater fan who's got some thoughts.

Act I

The Kid From Brooklyn — Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Ensemble

Naturally, the obvious place to open a show about Captain America is little Steve Rogers getting the stuffing kicked out of him and the ensemble launching into a "Bonjour" from Beauty and the Beast–style number about what a golden-hearted little punk he is. Bucky comes in with his new uniform right when the key change hits, and the Jimmy Award-winning teen actor playing young Steve gets to belt his way through the "I want" section.

Enlistment Pt.1 — Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Howard Stark, Doctor Erskine, The Army Ensemble

This one's fun. Howard Stark takes center for the Stark Expo with all kinds of stage magic tricks for his "inventions." But in between the choruses, Steve is going around to different Army booths trying to enlist, until he finally finds Doctor Erskine, who sees his potential and accepts him. This is the part they put in the TV spots for Rogers: The Musicalbecause Howard Stark is a big draw for Boomers, and his number is super upbeat.

The Star-Spangled Man — Peggy Carter, The Recruits

Come on, you know they had to get the rights to this one and put it in the show. It's what the people would expect! "The Star-Spangled Man" is a borderline offensive (but totally dazzling) introduction to Peggy Carter, who sings from the perspective of a dame auditioning the recruits at Camp Lehigh to be her "man with a plan." Steve obviously stands out, which leads us into a whirlwind mid-act medley....

Schnapps, The Kid From Brooklyn (Reprise), The Star-Spangled Man (reprise) — Doctor Erskine, Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter, The Army Ensemble

Anyone who hasn't gotten their Tony for Featured Actor in a Musical should audition for Abraham Erskine. He gets the sweet, vaguely German folk music-y "Schnapps," in which he reminisces about what his country has become and how he hopes Steve will help him make it right. Segue "Schnapps" into a reprise of "The Kid From Brooklyn" as Steve gets ready for this transformation. When he emerges from the pod, somehow already in the Captain America suit (?) and played by a tall Broadway hunk (Hi, Adam Pascal!), he launches into hisversion of "The Star-Spangled Man (With a Plan)," high kicks and all. 

New Orders — Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter, The Howling Commandos

There's no way Rogers: The Musicalis going to portray the American government as holding Steve Rogers back. So, instead of him absconding to the front, he gets "New Orders" to join up with the Howling Commandos,* who are at least 50% cast with actors from the 2020 West Side Storyrevival and who've been itching for a chance to fight-dance again. 

(That's obviously ahistorical; they know and they don't care.) 

A Music Hall on Cortland Street — Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter, The Music Hall Dancers

Time for a romantic duet! "A Music Hall on Cortland Street" is a part-real/part-fantasy sequence when Steve gets the guts to ask Peggy out and tells her exactly where they're going to have their first dance. The set breaks apart to reveal a period music hall, and the whole ensemble has a group ballroom number that knocks everyone's socks off. It's just generically romantic and old-timey enough to act as a trick question in Broadway pub trivia. A few years out, playing a clip would make it sound like a classic musical. But nope, it's Rogers.

Avenge Me — Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter, Nick Fury, Ensemble 

Red Skull finally shows up in an Act 1 finale that packs Steve's confrontation with Hydra, the whole thing with the bombs and the plane, and the crash into the ice into a 15-minute musical extravaganza. Opening night audiences will go absolutely bonkers when the song ends with a surprise character cameo:

HOWARD

Steve Rogers was more than it said on the can. He was more than a man, so much more than a man.

PEGGY (overlapping)

He was more than a man. 

ENSEMBLE

More than the Star-Spangled Man!

Blackout. HOWARD, PEGGY, and ENSEMBLE exit. Spotlight center stage, where NICK FURY rises from the trap. 

NICK FURY

He was an idea. 

How's that for an Act I button, baby!

Intermission

Act II

Welcome to the Future/ Enlistment Pt 2 — Nick Fury, Tony Stark, Natasha Romanoff, Clint Barton, Bruce Banner, Ensemble 

This number cleverly reincorporates the "Enlistment" theme from Act I when Steve meets the rest of the Avengers for the first time. He's found a new war to fight and his new Howling Commandos. (And it's not just because most of the Act II Avengers are played by the Act I Howling Commandos, but do you get it, man?).

Kneel — Loki, The Chitauri Choir

Loki gets a villain song. Baritones get an audition piece they'll beat to death in five years flat.

I Can Do This All Day — The Avengers, Ensemble

See: Hawkeye(2021)

Cap is Back — Ensemble

To be fair, the chaos of this number does kind of approximate how much everyone lost their minds when we found out Captain America was alive. Sure, this number is more concerned with the news frenzy than with Steve's reaction to the news frenzy. But, who doesn't love it when a stage musical does the thing when they drag a big camera onstage and have an actor give a "live" news report? Everyone loves that, right? 

On Your Left — Sam Wilson, Steve Rogers

See, the people who wrote Rogers: The Musicalweren't that interested in Sam Wilson. So they initially wrote him with a much smaller role...and then the dude showed up kicking windows at the UN as the new Captain America. So they added "On Your Left," a charming intro to Sam that also gives Cap a moment to reminisce about the time he lost to the ice. The "one day I might even let you hold the shield" line is a bit much. But whatever, my Captain America is Black, and folks can choke. 

A Big Din In Berlin With Tony and Cap — Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, King T'Challa, Team Cap, Team Iron Man, Ensemble

They reworked this song like, twelve times in previews and it shows. Turns out it's really hard to weave a minor plotline of Steve being so dope that the King of Wakanda considers him one of his two white friends andalsohave that number cover the shattering of the Avengers at Berlin. 

Fun fact: Spider-Man was originally in this song but they cut him in previews because 1) he got unmasked and everyone started freaking out about owing Peter Parker image rights, and 2) the actor, who was supposed to play him, kept having strange premonitions about "falling from the sky" and refused to do any wire tricks. 

Assemble — Steve Rogers

Even people who don't like Rogers: The Musicaladmit that "Assemble" is a god-tier solo. Steve sings about what it means to lose the Avengers, the only family he found after losing everyone to time. And if you don't cry when he gets to "Who am I? Just a man without a shield," then you're officially heartless. 

The Call/I Can Do This All Day (reprise) — Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, The Avengers, Ensemble

So, the ending. There have been a lot of complaints about the ending, probably because it's kind of messed up? Whew. Ok, spoilers ahead. 

After Steve's whole identity crisis (he misses being an Avenger, he has a beard now, it's a whole thing), you think the show is ending on a sad note. But wait — Cap hears the sound of a phone going off in the audience. Then, he takes the phone from someone who's clearly an audience plant and answers their cell phone call. Then...look, just read the book.

STEVE

Tony, Tony is that you?

TONY (over P.A.)

It's me, old man, we need the crew.

STEVE

I think you mean you need my help.

TONY 

I think you'll find I really do.

STEVE

So where's the fight, just point the way.

TONY

I'm in New York, but please don't say —

STEVE(singing)

I can do this all day! 

Jesus Christ. Anyway, the "I Can Do This All Day" finale pops off with actors playing every masked hero you can think of (except Spider-Man), jump-clapping down the aisles. They try to get the audience to dance along with the Avengers assembled onstage when we know what happens next. They fail. Half of the people on this stage are blipped away like, five minutes after the Avengers got together again. And Rogers just ends like "Tra la la, isn't it nice to get the gang back together." 

The writers have clarified that the ending of Rogers: The Musical is meant to be a reminder to "celebrate life now, because you never know what's coming round the bend" but bro. What came around the bend were genocidal aliens and an intergalactic extinction event. Is nothing sacred?

Anyway,Rogers: The Musical is either the purest camp masterpiece ever written or the most tasteless contribution to musical theater since that Anastasia-style workshop some guy did about the disappearance of Danny Rand.

I hope it runs for thirty years. 

Hawkeye is streaming on Disney+.